Seeing Beyond the Behaviour: Building Relationships with SEMH Children

Building strong, trusting relationships is essential to the development of children and young people with social, emotional, and mental health (SEMH) needs. Relationships provide the secure foundation as recommended in national guidance on mental health and behaviour in schools (DfE, 2018).

When a child feels safe, valued, and understood by the adults around them, they are better able to regulate their emotions, engage in learning, and develop a positive sense of self.

Relationships also offer vital opportunities to model healthy communication, build resilience, and support the development of essential life skills.

For many children with SEMH needs, consistent and compassionate relationships can be the turning point that helps them feel secure enough to grow. This article explores how professionals can build these powerful connections through emotionally attuned, intentional practice.

Empathy and curiosity are powerful tools when supporting children and young people. They shift our approach from managing behaviour to understanding the child behind it. Approaches like Dan Hughes’ PACE model (2009)—which emphasises Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy—centre these qualities as essential for emotional safety. Bomber (2007) similarly highlights the importance of seeing behaviour as a form of communication, especially for children with disrupted attachments.

Empathy means recognising and validating a young person’s feelings without judgement. When adults respond to a young person’s distress with warmth and compassion, they help the child feel seen, heard, and accepted, even in their most vulnerable moments. This builds emotional trust, which is essential for healing and growth.

Curiosity invites us to wonder: “What might be going on for this young person?” rather than jumping to conclusions. It encourages us to look beneath the behaviour and towards anxiety, unmet needs, trauma, or emotional overwhelm.

Together, empathy and curiosity create a non-judgmental, respectful relationship in which the young person feels safe. This reduces conflict and defensiveness and encourages openness, reflections, and self-awareness over time.

Consistency builds trust. Children and young people with SEMH needs often thrive when supported by clear boundaries, routines, and emotionally predictable adults. When adults stay calm and regulated—even when a young person is not—they model emotional resilience and send an unspoken message: “I am safe. I won’t be overwhelmed by your big feelings.”

Many young people with SEMH needs have experienced inconsistency, rejection, or environments that felt emotionally or physically unsafe. A steady, emotionally available adult presence can be vital for helping them feel secure and understood (Bomber, 2007).

Predictability in routines, responses, and expectations allows young people to feel more in control and less overwhelmed. Over time, this sense of safety reduces anxiety, supports emotional regulation, and builds trust.

Whether through structured daily routines, consistent language, or calm body language, your reliable presence can become a stabilising force in a child’s world.

Small, everyday moments of connection matter. Micro-moments—like asking a child about their interests, sharing a joke, or noticing their effort—build relational currency and show that you care about them as a person. Karen Treisman (2021) highlights the power of these everyday relational moments in fostering trust, emotional regulation, and connection.

Making time for connection is especially vital when working with children and young people with SEMH needs. These moments show them they are valued—not just for their behaviour or achievements, but for who they are.

When adults pause to engage in small, meaningful interactions, they communicate: “I see you, and I care about you.” These brief yet consistent exchanges form the emotional glue that holds the relationship together.

For children who have experienced rejection, neglect, or instability, genuine acts of connection help rebuild trust and a sense of safety. They also support emotional regulation, increase engagement, and pave the way for deeper communication over time.

In essence, connection is not a reward for “good” behaviour—it’s a basic relational need that helps young people feel secure enough to grow.

Patience is essential when building relationships with children and young people who have SEMH needs. Trust and emotional safety take time—especially for those who have been hurt, let down, or misunderstood in the past (Hughes, 2009; Treisman, 2021).

These young people may test boundaries, keep people at a distance, or struggle to communicate how they feel. Progress is rarely quick or linear; it often comes with setbacks, resistance, and repetition.

Patience allows adults to remain present, compassionate, and consistent, even when behaviour is challenging or confusing. It signals that the relationship is not conditional—that you're not giving up when things get tough. Over time, this calm and steady presence communicates: “I’m not going anywhere. You are worth the wait.”

This unwavering support builds trust, emotional resilience, and a secure base from which the young person can begin to explore, express, and grow. In short, patience is a powerful form of care—one that respects the pace at which true healing and connection unfold.

Children with SEMH needs often struggle to understand and manage their emotions. Co-regulation and emotional coaching are vital strategies for building strong, supportive relationships. They help young people feel safe, understood, and emotionally equipped to navigate overwhelming feelings like anger, anxiety, or sadness.

Co-regulation happens when a trusted adult provides calm, steady support to help a child return to a regulated state. This might be through tone of voice, body language, breathing, and attuned presence. The goal is to become the child’s emotional anchor—offering stability when they feel overwhelmed. Over time, this support builds the child’s capacity for emotional resilience.

Co-regulation is a stepping stone to self-regulation and is recognised as a key component of effective SEMH provision (Cooper & Jacobs, 2011).

Emotional coaching involves helping children name, understand, and manage their feelings. It typically includes:

• Naming the feeling – “It sounds like you’re feeling really angry right now.”
• Validating the experience – “It’s hard when things feel unfair. I understand why that would make you cross.”
• Guiding through the emotion – “Let’s take a moment to breathe and figure out what we can do next.”

This approach nurtures emotional literacy and equips young people with tools to reflect, express, and problem-solve—rather than reacting in ways that lead to distress or conflict.

Together, co-regulation and emotional coaching offer a calm, empathetic response to emotional distress. They reassure the child that they are not alone with their feelings, and that big emotions aren’t something to fear or be punished for—they are something we can understand and manage together.

When emotional safety is consistently provided, young people become more able to reflect, connect, and ultimately find and use their own voice with confidence and agency.

When children and young people are encouraged to express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions—and those expressions are genuinely listened to—they feel valued, respected, and included. For many with SEMH needs, life can feel like something that happens to them. Empowering their voice helps return a sense of control and choice, which is vital for self-esteem and emotional safety.

Voice empowerment shifts the dynamic from adults doing things for or to young people, to working with them. Whether it’s shaping their support plans, choosing how they express themselves, or reflecting on their experiences, involving them in the process builds mutual trust and respect.

When young people feel heard, they are more likely to advocate for themselves, form stronger relationships with adults, and develop the confidence to express their needs and boundaries. This is especially important for those who have felt silenced, misunderstood, or powerless in the past.

Offering genuine agency in decisions doesn’t just build self-worth—it also models democratic values and inclusive practice within education (Rose & Shevlin, 2020). It teaches young people that their voice matters—and that they have the right to be active participants in their own lives.

Supporting children and young people with SEMH needs should never be a solo effort. Meaningful progress happens when adults work together—families, teachers, therapists, support staff, and most importantly, the young person themselves—to create a consistent and compassionate circle of support.

When everyone involved shares insights, strategies, and observations, it leads to a richer, more nuanced understanding of the young person’s needs. A joined-up approach ensures that support remains steady across different settings, helping the child feel safe, understood, and surrounded by people who care.

This kind of collaboration not only strengthens support plans—it shows the child that the adults in their life are united. They are working with them, not in isolation or conflict. When professionals and families listen to each other, value diverse perspectives, and centre the child’s voice, it lays the foundation for deeper trust and more effective outcomes.

A whole-team approach, built on shared understanding and aligned responses, is recommended in national guidance (DfE, 2018) and supported by research into inclusion and engagement (Cooper & Jacobs, 2011).

Building relationships with children and young people with SEMH needs isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about showing up—with patience, compassion, and curiosity. It’s about being the adult who listens without judgment, stays calm in the storm, and sees the child behind the behaviour. These relationships take time, and they’re not always easy—but they are always worth it.

When we lead with empathy, create emotional safety, make time for connection, and work together as a team, we lay the foundation for healing, trust, and growth. In doing so, we help young people feel seen, heard, and empowered—and that might just be the most powerful gift we can give.