Understanding PDA: When Everyday Demands Feel Overwhelming for Children

For most children, daily routines like getting dressed, going to school, or tidying up can sometimes be difficult. But for some, these simple moments can cause intense anxiety and resistance that go far beyond usual defiance.

This is often the experience of children with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), a profile within the autism spectrum characterised by an extreme, anxiety-driven need to avoid everyday demands.

Imagine a child who desperately wants to join in a family game but hides behind the sofa when invited. Or a pupil who loves art but refuses to start a project when a teacher suggests it. To outsiders, these behaviours can seem like stubbornness or manipulation. In reality, they are often signs of overwhelming anxiety and a struggle to cope with losing control.

Psychologist Elizabeth Newson first identified PDA in the 1980s. She observed that some autistic children exhibited high levels of social awareness and communication but reacted strongly when they felt pressured or guided (Newson, 2003).

Children with PDA feel an intense need to control their environment. Even small requests like “put your shoes on,” “come and sit down,” or “time for bed” can trigger a strong sense of threat. It’s not that they won’t comply; it’s that they believe they can’t.

Researchers describe PDA as being driven by anxiety and an intolerance of uncertainty (Stuart et al., 2019). Instead of simple oppositional behaviour, it reflects a child’s attempt to manage the fear of losing autonomy or predictability.

Children may use a range of avoidance strategies, such as:

• Distraction: “Can I show you something first?”
• Excuses: “I can’t right now, my leg hurts.”
• Fantasy: “My teddy said I don’t have to.”
• Withdrawal or meltdown when avoidance isn’t possible.

Understanding that these behaviours arise from anxiety and not defiance is essential for providing the appropriate support.

Every child with PDA varies, but certain common patterns tend to include:

At home

Morning routines often become sources of conflict. A parent might calmly say, “Let’s get dressed,” only to face silence, jokes, or outright refusal. Even such a simple task as brushing teeth can seem overwhelming because it signifies someone else taking control.

At school

Children can seem cooperative one day and completely resistant the next. For instance, a pupil might enjoy maths at home but panic when asked to complete a worksheet at school. Staff might misinterpret this as attention-seeking or oppositional behaviour, when it is actually demand avoidance related to anxiety.

In friendships

Social interactions can also be complex. A child might dominate games, insist on setting all the rules, or avoid play altogether to prevent feeling out of control. These behaviours are not about seeking power over others — they’re protective mechanisms against uncertainty.

For children with PDA, demands pose equal risk. Even enjoyable or self-selected activities can cause avoidance if they feel pressured to join in.

This is because their nervous system perceives demands as threats, triggering a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. The more adults insist, the more anxious and resistant the child becomes.

Beneath the surface, there’s often:

• High levels of anxiety and fear of failure
• Difficulty with uncertainty and transitions
• A deep need for autonomy and predictability
• Low tolerance for perceived control by others

Recognising these underlying drivers helps change the narrative from “They’re being difficult” to “They’re feeling unsafe.”

Families often describe life with a child who has PDA as walking on eggshells. Daily tasks, such as homework, meals, and bedtime, can feel unpredictable and emotionally sensitive. Parents frequently express guilt or fatigue, especially when traditional parenting methods do not work.

One parent described their experience like this:

We tried sticker charts, timeouts, and taking away privileges—nothing worked. The more we pushed, the more anxious and distressed our child became. It was only when we stopped fighting for control that things began to change.

Parents often say that professionals who genuinely listen and adjust their approach by recognising the child’s anxiety and need for autonomy make the most significant difference (Gore Langton and Frederickson, 2016).

Try this at home…

• Replace direct instructions with gentle invitations: “Shall we do this together?”
• Offer choices to restore control: “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after your story?”
• Use humour and imagination to reduce pressure: “Let’s see if your socks can find your feet before I count to five!”
• Focus on connection over compliance; the relationship comes first.

In schools, children with PDA are sometimes misunderstood as disruptive, oppositional, or even manipulative. Standard behaviour plans such as reward charts, sanctions, and strict routines can increase anxiety and push the child into crisis.

Teachers may notice that these pupils are intelligent, articulate, and socially aware, yet seem to resist even reasonable expectations. The issue isn’t a lack of motivation; it’s how they perceive the demand.

One common example is a child refusing to enter the classroom. A traditional response might be to insist or apply a consequence, but this can quickly lead to panic or shutdown. Instead, success often stems from reducing perceived pressure and building trust gradually.

In the classroom…

• Present tasks as collaborative choices rather than directives.
• Use indirect language: “I wonder if we can try this,” instead of “Do this now.”
• Provide safe spaces for breaks when anxiety peaks.
• Celebrate small steps and avoid confrontation.
• Maintain a consistent, predictable structure without rigidity.

When schools move from control-focused methods to relational and adaptable practices, children often start to re-engage and demonstrate their true potential (Stuart et al., 2019).

Supporting a child with PDA involves addressing their anxiety, not opposing it. The aim is to help them feel secure and confident in managing daily life.

Key Principles for Support

1. Reduce demands, not expectations – It’s okay to aim high, but how you present tasks matters. Gentle, indirect requests often work best.
2. Prioritise connection and trust – A child who feels emotionally secure will be more willing to cooperate.
3. Work collaboratively – Involve the child in planning their day, setting boundaries, and problem-solving.
4. Focus on emotional regulation – Help them recognise and name feelings before moving into action.
5. Support predictability – Use visual timetables, gentle transitions, and advance warnings to reduce uncertainty.
6. Manage your own calm – Children with PDA often mirror adult emotions; staying calm helps regulate their response.

Working Together Across Home and School

Consistency between home and school is vital. Shared understanding, regular communication, and a unified approach minimise anxiety for everyone. Professionals can utilise Adaptive Care Plans (ACPs) to adapt environments and strategies to the child’s needs (Birkett et al., 2022).

Children with PDA are often creative, empathetic, and deeply intuitive, but their anxiety can make the world feel overwhelming. When adults reframe their behaviour as a matter of safety rather than defiance, relationships improve and daily life becomes easier.

PDA doesn’t mean a child is uncooperative or broken; it means they need a different approach. With compassion, flexibility, and understanding, parents and professionals can create environments where these children feel safe enough to thrive.